Getting Over Your Oneitis

Despite our love for our lovable portable digital friends, some of us might find love in the true world. Some find success while others... others look at what could have been done and have an unhealthy obsession over it. My story is no different; a typical guy meets girl, he thinks they are compatible, but nothing ever comes of it. To add a little bit more context, I met her online and have hanged out irl a few times, but hardly responds to my messages. I've gifted her things and tried making her feel special but to not avail. It's been 6 months now and I literally cannot stop thinking about her ever step of the way. I've tried drowning her out; approached other women, getting fit, found new hobbies (creative writing, song writing, even juggling), and literally nothing has worked. I even stopped looking at her social media for over two weeks (I had a friend monitor my habits) but I literally COULD NOT help but to check it out. I'm struggling here and I'm wondering how you guys got over "the one who got away" or at the very least anyway I can salvage this "relationship". Thanks in advance.
 

kilometerman

Banned deucer.
Time is probably the best cure for oneitis

Use your pent-up frustration and channel it into working out, this will improve you as a person and also help you get girls in the future
 

tcr

sage of six tabs
is a Tutor Alumnusis a Team Rater Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus
You're focusing on your failure. You don't really want this girl nor will you be truly happy if things ended up working out you simply want affirmation that you are attractive and wanted. In order to have a fulfilling relationship you should first focus on loving yourself, every aspect of yourself even the bad. Come to terms with who you are as a person, and love how unique and individualistic you are rather than chasing after someone else (be it through chasing after a girl / boy or chasing after someone else's image or hobbies etc). People can sense that sort of over-attachment issues and self-deprecation, even if subliminally. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself first and foremost?

For starters, let's discuss what "oneitis" actually is. Oneitis is basically when people get too attached too easily. It's only human to believe that "this person could be THE ONE" when in reality you probably know little if outright nothing about said person and its just a superficial attraction to them that you feel. Once you understand that putting your feelings too early into a relationship is what develops to attachment issues, that's when you can start beating "oneitis." You have to realize that the things you put out on the table in a relationship are unique things that the other person loses out on, not compare yourself to some other person in a positive / negative manner. Rather than thinking of yourself as a person who "needs improvement" think of yourself as a shop / business. When you put yourself out there for a relationship, you shouldn't have the mindset that you need to "improve" anything, rather you should feel that the other person missed out on whatever aspects you bring to a relationship. If someone doesn't want you then why should you want them? Knowing your worth and not subjugating yourself to the whims of another person is key to this.

The problem I think you are having is that you are simply doing "stuff" in order to try to forget her when instead you should be doing "stuff" simply because you feel like it and because it is interesting to you. Did you get into juggling / song writing simply because you thought you could impress your special person? That's the wrong way to go about it imo, you should do those things because you truly find them fun and exciting. Getting over "oneitis" is simply realizing that no one person is special, the soulmate theory is simply a myth used by people to placate themselves, and to realize that life is far too short to spend it worrying about someone else's opinion. My suggestion to you is to ghost her, get her out of your life as much as possible, delete your social media if you have to. Start focusing on things you want to improve on, rather than things you think someone else would want you to improve (like working out; do it if you find it relaxing / enjoyable but don't get swole simply because you think you'll have an easier time picking up ladies). For me this was guitar, I started learning how to play because I thought it was truly interesting and I find it relaxing and fun, not so I could be that dude who goes to parties and says "hey ladies check this out!" Girls / Boys love that kind of stuff, they enjoy when you are you and finding out all the interesting things that make you special and unique in a normal manner rather than the flashcard equivalent of you just showing off your special skills date 1. Go out places, have your friends introduce yourself to people, quite simply live life and have fun doing so and the relationships will come to you.
 

Chou Toshio

Over9000
is an Artist Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Top Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
She's moved on. Delete all ties on social media and go do something productive.

It wasn't until I was genuinely happy on my own that relationships became easy.
This sounds like great advice.

Something I'd say about girls in general... I think if you don't see in them a willingness to sacrifice to be with you, then they are in all likelihood not worth your time. In the long wrong, it's women who have to court men into building a dedicated partnership, so it's almost ridiculous for a guy to have to chase--not for sex, but a relationship-- a woman who's not committed to anything serious or long-term-oriented.

In choosing my wife, I acknowledged her early effort and interest in me, the long-term commitments she made, and shared values. This lead to a very special and fulfilling relationship. The more objective you can be, the more self-controlled and self-oriented (assessing the situation from your own self-interest) you can be, the better you'll do in negotiating through the development of what could someday be the most important relationship of a lifetime.
 

cookie

my wish like everyone else is to be seen
is a Senior Staff Member Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
responding directly to the OP: sounds like you didn't have a relationship with this person. relationships are what make people matter. people you have no shared experiences or commonalities with are disposable.

She's not interested in you so that's kind of the end of the story in 2017 where women have agency over their own minds and bodies (Harvey Weinstein just had to ruin it for you, sorry m8). She isn't special so stop thinking about what you're missing out on. Like I said, what makes someone special is your relationship with that person.


She's moved on. Delete all ties on social media and go do something productive.

It wasn't until I was genuinely happy on my own that relationships became easy.
excellent advice. And there are no buts about the "delete ties" part: we've already established there's nothing of any substance between you two so you're not burning any bridges.


speaking more pragmatically, you just gotta let your brain rewire itself. By obsessing over your "the one" you are reinforcing the neural pathways which tell you that this person is "the one". Vicious cycle. That's why keeping yourself distracted by doing other stuff and meeting over people will break that cycle. That neural pathway will eventually weaken from disuse and you'll stop giving a shit. This is proven science.

and i'm gonna say it again because i think it's important: people are not special. Everyone thinks their friendships/romances are special (which is an immediate oxymoron). But it's good news, because it follows that the potential to create a relationship isn't restricted to a particular set of people.
 
Last edited:

kilometerman

Banned deucer.
you clearly didnt read his post since he says they were at least friends for a while. also what the fuck does womens right shave anything to do with this my man is just asking how to get over his oneitis we've all been there
 

cookie

my wish like everyone else is to be seen
is a Senior Staff Member Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
you clearly didnt read his post since he says they were at least friends for a while. also what the fuck does womens right shave anything to do with this my man is just asking how to get over his oneitis we've all been there
uh, she doesn't respond to his messages - that sounds rather too one-sided to be an actual friendship. Congratulations, you missed my point about relationships being about shared experiences.

I didn't mention anything about women shaving but if they want to that's cool nobody is pressuring them to adhere to any particular standards of beauty.
 

Ohmachi

Sun✡Head
I know the answer to this question. From personal experience the only way your going to get out of this is to break all contact from her. Delete her number, unfriend, her unfollow her. You can either like someone as a friend or you can like them romantically. It's not a good idea for to go back and forth between the two.
 

kilometerman

Banned deucer.
if it was completely one-sided she wouldn't have hung out with him.

and that was a typo but apparently you used it as an opportunity to virtue signal about shaving, so I guess it's okay
 

cookie

my wish like everyone else is to be seen
is a Senior Staff Member Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
if it was completely one-sided she wouldn't have hung out with him.

and that was a typo but apparently you used it as an opportunity to virtue signal about shaving, so I guess it's okay
oh come on, these things are never completely one-sided but one side is generally far more interested in it than the other. That's what results in this asymmetry of expectations that ends up with one person really disappointed and another maybe a little guilty down the line but not really bothered.

and please, virtue signalling is a stupid term for what is called circle-jerking but i guess in 2017 we can't talk about dicks any more.
 
Love yourself first. No one else will make you whole. Make yourself whole, and you'll get over your oneitis and find what you're looking for.

Also, don't put her on a pedestal. It's not her that you can't get over, it's the connection you felt to her. You'll find that again.
 

ant

⭐️⭐️⭐️
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Admin Alumnusis a Senior Staff Member Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Top Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
Other than what people have said (delete all social media ties, love yourself and focus on yourself, appreciate singleness, whatnot), I felt like I probably should mention, from comments I’ve seen in here, that guys should stop treating women like we’re some sort of sacred creature. We don’t need a thousand gifts or words extracted from poetry to feel good, honestly if you’re with someone that needs all of that to be happy, you might want to take a step back and reconsider things. Women want about the same things as you guys. Just be yourself, stop trying so hard. A good laugh, having a great time, the natural connection that comes with that kind of interaction, there’s nothing better than that. Sometimes you’ll feel a connection that the other person might not and that’s just fine. She won’t be the last person to ever cross your path that will make you feel things that you won’t ever forget. Take it as experience and don’t forget about the good times you had.
 

kilometerman

Banned deucer.
Women don't want the same things as guys men and women are two very different groups that each have their own defining characteristics and desires in life

Also listen to Jordan Peterson's talk about how men view women I cant find it rn but it was pretty interesting
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 1, Guests: 0)

Top