PokéTour: Castelia City

My trip to Castelia began at the piers, where a distinct lack of seamen was made up for by a guy with an abundance of stones. He asked which elemental monkey Pokémon I had, and I of course, being a competitive Pokémon trainer, used none of them. That did not stop me from conning him out of an evolution stone anyway. I thought big city folks weren't meant to be so gullible. I also met an old man who taught me how to do the thumbs-up sign. Condescending coot. The docks are full of boats, none of which I could actually board, which was pretty disappointing, especially since I had skipped breakfast just to avoid potential seasickness.

The seaside streets were swarming with office workers, most of whom seemed to have originated from the Battle Company. I entered expecting workplace hijinks as funny as the first four seasons of The Office, but what I got instead was the usual humdrum trainer battles, as boring as the latter four seasons of The Office. The head honcho here isn't a Michael Scott or even an Andy Bernard, but an old man who enjoys dressing up as a janitor in his spare time. Some people like a glass of wine after a day's work; some people like to chill with some mop water—each to their own tastes, I guess.

Over on Castelia Street is where the Game Freak building is located, stuffed full of self-referential pricks and their meta-references, each of them with a smug look of satisfaction on their face that I'd love to wipe off. In the building opposite was a lady who offered massages, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is somehow related to the grins on the Game Freak employees' faces.

If you're an aficionado of art, Mode Street has a gallery that should be to your liking. Works based on Legends of the Unova region are currently featured, and probably will be for all perpetuity. Of particular note is a piece boldly titled 'Black Lightning Bolt', featuring an arrangement of brown, yellow, and green pixels that really tug at the child within. An eccentric painter here will want to draw your Pokémon like one of his French women; I turned him down politely and quickly went on my way. Located close by is the famous Casteliacone stand, which is supposedly a real frosty delight; I'll have to take their word for it, since the line was long and the waitress was working at a glacial pace. If you want to grab a bite of this elusive treat, it's probably best to camp overnight.

Narrow Street is best avoided by the faint-of-heart, as it's a regular hangout for goons doing dodgy dealings and glassy-eyed trainers shooting up their Pokémon with Carbos and HP Up. On the plus side, instead of waves of people ignoring you and damn near running you down, there are garbage bins. The cafe here is a nice refuge from the hustle and bustle of the big city, and features a live performance from a long-haired dude with a guitar. I asked for a gin and tonic, but the shopkeep just stood and laughed.

Onto the Pokémon Gym! This is where Burgh the artist shows off his artwork on walls covered by gooey honey (I assume it's honey), which I guess is only appropriate for a place crawling with Bug Pokémon trainers. Burgh himself is a nice enough chap, a soulful artist that's not too sensitive and knows when to stick it to Team Plasma. Do watch out for weirdos here who pop out of the floor as you walk close, though; they nearly gave me a heart attack.

Central Plaza is the place to be when you want to wind down at the end of the day. There are dancers who'll put on a free show if you ask nicely enough, amidst a slice of nature that is lacking in the rest of the city. If you're parched, then there's vending machines that dispense drinks to quench your thirst, or you could just drink for free from the big fountain in the middle of the plaza, but this is not recommended, as I found out to my dismay. The way out of the city is barely worth a mention. There's a party where you'll need to be searched and groped by a suit before entering, but nobody upstairs speaks English anyway, so don't worry about it.