Do You Even Lift: Kalos Kardio
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It's been a long time, perhaps too long. Yet here we are at last, in the great Do You Even Lift encore edition. This time, we are taking a peek at Kalos, or, as I like to refer to it, PokéFrance, because that is honestly what this place is. Some of you might be wondering what exactly I have been doing since the last Lift article. Well, actually, I went and lost weight... funny how not writing these articles can help with that. As always, I am Layell, and I'll be covering Grant, Korrina, Clemont, and Olympia. Joining me in this issue is princessofmusic, who covers Viola, Ramos, Valerie, and Wulfric.
Viola
I arrive at Santalune City. On my way to the Gym, I pass by a plethora of outdoor patio sets, sweet-smelling rose bushes, and a water fountain in the shape of a Roselia. Mind you, the Gym here is a Bug-type Gym, and has nothing to do with roses whatsoever.
Gym Puzzle
Compared to most other first Gym puzzles (think of Brock and Roark), this one's actually sort of difficult. You navigate a human-sized spider web and kick off water droplets, and some of the paths are inaccessible. This puzzle makes good use of the game's 3D capabilities, which is a rather nice treat. Stay alert and you should make it to the Gym Leader within five minutes, not including the trainer battles.
7/10
Difficulty
Viola's roster contains Surskit and Vivillon. The former will make you sad if you were planning to ace the Gym with just Fennekin. For a third-stage evolution, Vivillon isn't that much of a menace.
5/10
Spoils of War
Infestation is like a Bug-type version of Fire Spin or Whirlpool, but with good accuracy. This doesn't prevent it from being virtually useless, however, and I'm glad that the rest of the TMs get progressively better from here.
1/10
Coolness
The only thing apparent about Viola is that she's a professional photographer, as indicated through her dialogue as well as the presence of the photo gallery in the main floor of the Gym. This means that at least she has a job outside of being constantly defeated by rookie trainers.
3/10
Overall
For a first Gym, it wasn't too bad.
4/10
Grant
After what feels like the first third of the game, you finally reach Grant's Gym. It's all about rock climbing, and I fear that I'm going to need another useless HM. But apparently, in PokéFrance, humans are able to do moderately strenuous tasks without the constant assistance of Pokémon.
Gym Puzzle
Wow, a 3D navigation puzzle, I haven't seen one of those before; let us all marvel at the fresh ideas. Remember this moment, children, because we probably won't see another like it for a long time!
(Perhaps this is why there is such a big gap between the first two Gyms???)
6/10
Difficulty
This guy is a jerk; I normally don't mind the Speed drop from Rock Tomb but then he has to Thunder Wave me too. He has both the fossil Pokémon, and Amaura is not fun with Refrigerate Take Down and Aurora Beam. Tyrunt also gets Strong Jaw Bite. When did Gym Leaders learn how to use the abilities of their Pokémon?
8/10
Spoils of War
Rock Tomb is the definition of a niche move; you either need to kill your common 4x Rock-weak counter, or abuse the Speed drop to then destroy something else. This is one of the few Rock attacks with manageable accuracy. You weren't about to get Rock Slide at this point in the game anyway.
6/10
Coolness
Grant has a number of things going for him in the coolness factor. He has that styling hair that is probably as hard as rock with all the hairspray he needs. His theme of rock climbing is sporty and fits into actually being a Gym, and, for once, Rock is not the first Gym and a complete pushover. His team is also built with both fossil Pokémon.
8/10
Overall
Grant has some weird sense of place; being in a city where there are bike races, he decided to be a rock climber. They don't even wear helmets when riding; I suppose it's a good idea he didn't give us Rock Slide. Looking back, those walls were a real sweat; why did I need some dirty HM to do all of that before?
7/10
Korrina
Apparently the biggest thing in PokéFrance aside from cheese, lack of deodorant, cooked snails, snotty behavior, cafés, and surrendering is roller skating. Skates are the epitome of the loose and carefree lifestyle, which is probably why Korrina doesn't care that I beat her three times in total. Normally, we only have to finish one fight before we are allowed to get our badge and move on to the next hovel.
Gym Puzzle
This isn't a puzzle; it's unlearning everything I was told when I attended "Disco Dan's '70s Roller Skate Bar", which is "wear your helmet, you twat", "don't hit anybody", and "no disco dancing and skating at the same time". Disco Dan was a man ahead of his time, even though the manager's name was Ronnie. The point is this isn't a Fighting Gym, and this isn't a skating bar. It achieves none of the things I would hope these two things would when combined. It's like if a tank and helicopter Transformer combined into a clown car. Skating is an aerobic sport, I'll give you that, but it is not something that allows me to unleash my inner kung fu spirit. All I really did was watch trainers pass me, then stand exactly where they were so they would hit me again. Then we would stand in the middle of an active skating arena and battle with Pokémon. I cannot say that disco dancing is the same as Pokémon battling, but I cannot help but feel I'll be the one needing a hospital by the end of this.
1/10
Difficulty
Korrina has a wealth of powerful Fighting moves to hit you really hard. Unfortunately for her, I have a Honedge, and the only moves she has is the powerful Rock Tomb and the ever pertinent Dark-type attack, Hone Claws. If you don't have a Honedge because you actually enjoy a challenge, this Gym battle is halfway decent.
0/10 with Honedge, 5/10 without.
Spoils of War
Power-Up Punch is really only useful for Mega Kangaskhan; you might as well boost up then attack rather than try to do both ineffectively.
2/10
Coolness
She was a skater girl, I fought her twice and said see you later girl.
3/10
Overall
They were really reaching for this character, with the fact that she gives you the power to Mega Evolve as well as three battles, and the cool skate factor. My only good note on her is at least her design isn't an '80s roller blade reject.
2/10
Ramos
Seeing the splendor of the Azure Bay stretched out over the horizon, I was fully expecting the next city to have a Water-type Gym. Just when I thought I had everything figured out, the game throws me a twist, and Coumarine City features a Grass-type Gym instead. Weird.
Gym Puzzle
There's no difficulty, just fun. You ascend a massive rope playset and swing from platform to platform, until you reach the top and get to witness Ramos hunched over in his library. It really makes you wonder how he gets up there himself, though.
4/10
Difficulty
Grass has five weaknesses, c'mon. If you chose Fennekin and/or picked up a Fletchling (I had both), you'll laugh in the face of just about everything Ramos has to throw at you. Bulldoze on Gogoat might catch you a little bit off guard; nevertheless, Jumpluff and Weepinbell leave something to be desired.
3/10
Spoils of War
The Sinnoh region games have already done Grass Knot as a Gym prize, but it's still a decent move that's fairly recognizable on the competitive scene.
7/10
Coolness
Ramos speaks in stereotypical old man talk, and carries what looks like oversized hedge clippers. Somehow, his beard is shaped like leaves. Maybe those are actually beard clippers?
2/10
Overall
This is probably the most bland and uninteresting Gym in Kalos. Also, why is it inside a cave?
3/10
Clemont
We're back in Paris, or whatever the heck Game Freak thought Paris would be like, and this time we get the whole other half of the city. They say you only see one side of a city when you visit; I'm not sure they meant this literally though. Lumiose City is really just some huge jerk architect who thought it would be absolutely genius to make the entire city the shape of a Poké Ball and pentagon. Aside from making me very lost, one has to question what sort of planning took place to make this all happen; what sort of buildings were here before someone decided to take city planning to the next level? Speaking of which, this huge nerd thinks it's some big accomplishment that he managed to stick a ton of lightbulbs on some eyesore of a building. No wonder some of his inventions don't work. Next, this huge nerd is telling me he's the Gym Leader; it's around this point that the meaning of the word "Gym" has lost all sense of meaning from what it has been previously ascribed to.
Gym Puzzle
Is this tourist attraction a place to work my bod, or a game show? I can't even tell at this point, but they have me answering quiz questions. The big twist here is that you have to distinguish Pokémon silhouettes. See, this is where watching the anime and the "Who's that Pokémon?" section paid off because I have this thing completely taken care of, especially when the first question had me screaming "IT'S PIKACHU". Using the elemental monkeys in this is probably the biggest jerk move; we already had a Gym dedicated to those jerks, we don't need them featured any more!
7/10
Difficulty
Clemont understands the struggle of Electric-type Gyms, which is don't be a complete Ground-type pushover. He carries a Volt Switch Emolga to adapt to the current situation. Too bad for his complete lack of coverage moves. You also have a Mega Lucario handed to you from a previous Gym Leader which learns Bone Rush; you do want to beat up a huge nerd with Bone Rush, don't you??
5/10
Spoils of War
Way back in Issue 23, TM24 Thunderbolt was described as "the absolute best prize in any Pokémon game", and previously we discounted all other Electric TMs aside from Volt Switch. Surge gave this move at the third Gym; while Clemont is the fifth, that is still really early for such a powerhouse. Best of all, since all TMs are reusable, you can teach this to literally everyone who can learn it. Ain't recycling a wonderful thing!
11/10 finally I get this thing again in-game.
Coolness
As a kid, I never understood the shiny glasses thing that happens in anime, and heck I still don't. Why are his glasses always that white shine; doesn't that make it hard to see? The whole baggy jumpsuit thing isn't helping with this, and whatever those devices are, they certainly aren't able to compute how much Clemont stinks.
0_0/10
Overall
Since the Gym is in the middle of the city, I can just forget it exists by going the long way around all the time. It isn't the best sort of system, but it works, unlike most of Clemont's inventions.
3/10
Valerie
I could be biased, but Laverre City actually has a pretty neat atmosphere to it. There are giant mushrooms everywhere, a reference to a phenomenon in nature known as fairy rings. I find myself drawn to an enormous tree near the center of the city, wherein the Gym is conveniently located.
Gym Puzzle
Where exactly have I seen CRAZY OBNOXIOUS warp panels before? Anyone who's beaten a game that features the Kanto region will probably recall the Gym in Saffron City. Here, the panels transport you to different rooms inside what resembles an oversized dollhouse. It isn't really that difficult to figure out, and I don't buy the nostalgia factor, which might be the only potentially redeeming thing about it.
2/10
Difficulty
I kind of hoped that the Fairies would put up a good fight, but alas, I was underwhelmed. Fire-types work well here, as they can resist Dazzling Gleam from Mr. Mime and Sylveon while roasting Mawile with a STAB move of choice.
4/10
Spoils of War
Dazzling Gleam is a Fairy-type attack which has wider distribution than Moonblast, but lower Base Power. It's an alright move, nothing too special. As it happens, there were two members of my team who were capable of learning Dazzling Gleam, and both had access to Moonblast. Go figure.
6/10
Coolness
Size matters to Valerie, as evidenced by her long hairstyle, even longer sleeves, and seriously chunky platform heels. What really puts me off is the fact that her eyes are totally creepy and make her look like an alien. Valerie gets points, at least, for her distinct style, and those who aren't bothered by the eyes might even find her pretty.
6/10
Overall
In hindsight, this Gym seems pretty alright compared to the sound of my next job, which is to infiltrate the Poké Ball factory just north of Laverre City. This means climbing unsafe factory machinery and battling scores of kitschy terrorists, neither of which sound at all like attractive prospects. I suppose a girl can never catch a break.
5/10
Olympia
If one mystical Gym Leader out of a fantasy series wasn't enough for the average trainer, I would say you are in luck because we get another right away. She makes her home in a city with a giant crystal, and with a name like Olympia, I don't think she is as modest as our previous dollhouse, lost-in-thought Fairy leader was.
Gym Puzzle
This looks much like any other section, but then you step on the plate and...
HEY WAIT IT'S JUST ANOTHER 3D NAVIGATION PUZZLE HOW LAME ._.
5/10
Difficulty
Olympia will spam both Reflect and Light Screen with Sigilyph, and then have her Calm Mind Slowking with Yawn to be really obnoxious. It's really just a test of endurance until the hallucinations wear off.
7/10
Spoils of War
You get Calm Mind, which is a great move for all sorts of special sweepers, but not very useful in-game. I suppose I'll need a calm mind for the weird trip I just got from running through that Gym.
5/10
Coolness
She looks like the African American Lady Gaga, but with psychic abilities and purple hair; if that is your sort of thing, I guess it's okay. She has a thing for space and capes too (hooray anagrams), and the whole star design works well enough.
7/10
Overall
I suppose you cannot expect much more from a Gym Leader that speaks about the mystical future and lives in a city with a giant pink crystal. I just hope that crystal wasn't the thing she injected in me while I was there; not even vader would want to stuff that up his nose.
6/10
Wulfric
Snowbelle City is entirely covered in snow, and while the weather may be frigid, I hear that the parka and oil lamp industries are hot all year long. As a self-professed summer person, I really dislike being here, and I'm even crankier after having to fetch the Gym Leader himself from his station in the depths of Route 20, a forest which is shaped like a labyrinth for no good reason.
Gym Puzzle
Stepping on switches allows you to rotate sections of the floor at 45 degree increments, which lets you access the rest of the Gym once you get it right. It isn't too difficult, but it's still more of a puzzle than most of the ones we've seen so far. The puzzle itself is enormous and looks like it took millions of dollars to construct, which makes me wonder what exactly Wulfric does for money.
8/10
Difficulty
All of the Gyms in Kalos seem pretty easy, and though it's the final Gym, this one is no exception. After leading with Abomasnow to summon hail upon the battlefield, Wulfric sends out Cryogonal and Avalugg, both of which are defensive Ice-types. Comically enough, at least his dialogue seems to admit the fact that Ice-types do not equal great tanks. Bring a Fire-type or two, and you'll do well here.
3/10
Spoils of War
Holy wow. I don't believe that Ice Beam has ever been a Gym prize, but I'm glad, because it's awesome. I guess after showing us how underwhelming Ice is defensively, Wulfric wants to demonstrate its attacking potential, and I have no complaints about this. Ice Beam is a classic move with high Base Power and reliable accuracy. Better still, lots of things learn it, including loads of Water-types.
10/10 an ice move indeed.
Coolness
What can I say, except that Wulfric seems pretty chill? He doesn't take battling too seriously, which is somewhat refreshing. When you consider his involvement with the Pokémon Village, he comes across as a caring and compassionate person. Little else is memorable about Wulfric, but he also just gave you a cool TM, literally.
7/10
Overall
Ice Beam makes this Gym worth it, enough said.
7/10
Conclusion
PokéFrance was already a smelly place, and now we have worked up an even greater sweat. The level curve was higher, but I wouldn't call it any more difficult. In any case, we are now quite done with working out; never again will we have to lift, because it's not like there is any way we could lose all this progress now. We hope you enjoyed this encore performance, au revoir.
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