Engineering minded smogonites, I need your help!

[mingot]

I have a problem. As part of a recent New Years resolution, and after years of non-commitment and trial runs, I've finally decided to fully implement my rectum-only nourishment plan.

Problem is, as whole food items aren't compatible with this nourishment intake vector, I've had to resort to complicated - yet portable- series of tubes and a small blender. It all works great, except for the damn blender. I've experimented with different types of blenders but they're all either too large to be practical, too weak to be useful, or too noisy to be socially acceptable to use at my weekly Bonanza buffet table. And, in all cases, the battery life is dismal.

Do any of the more engineering-minded smogoners have any suggestions on how I might overcome this? I'm tired of sitting in a movie theatre with a dead blender battery having to insert whole twizzlers up my ass.

It's undignified.

 

[Madotsuki]

Blenders are impractical for this approach. I personally suggest using weak acids to dissolve the foods prior to consumption, and THEN injecting it anally.

 

[v]

mortar and pestle

 

[ZhengTann]

You'd want a custom-made motor for this. You're right about the current market not satisfying your needs. Go to your local DIY robotics shop and inquire - I'm sure they have the parts necessary to tailor it. For power sources, look for 12V Lithium-Cadmium cells - they're somewhat larger than cell phones (but still portable), and are rechargeable.

Also what are you doing rectum-ingesting in a movie theater.

 

[mingot]

You'd want a custom-made motor for this. You're right about the current market not satisfying your needs. Go to your local DIY robotics shop and inquire - I'm sure they have the parts necessary to tailor it. For power sources, look for 12V Lithium-Cadmium cells - they're somewhat larger than cell phones (but still portable), and are rechargeable.

Also what are you doing rectum-ingesting in a movie theater.

If you could draw me up a schematic for this contraption it would be very helpful.

 

[Fatecrashers]

train an army of birds to procure food, ingest it, then periodically vomit into your rectum

 

[zorbees]

mingot are you doing this to prove eric cartman's hypothesis that if you insert food into your rectum you will shit out of your mouth?

 

[BlakBlastoise]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy1WNc4buPk

 

[breh]

I'm sure that I'm treating this with a bit too much seriousness, but I'd imagine one of the better options equates to a high torque blender. Essentially, you have a slow, high torque motor at the bottom of a tube. Onto this motor, you attach a grinder; on top of it, you place some sort of fairly heavy weight to keep whatever you're grinding down. Different types of grinder blades (with varying degrees of "coarseness" (essentially, the extent to which the things that grind protrude from it)) can be used for different types of food. A high torque motor should be fairly quiet afaik.

 

[Glen]

this thread is disgusting and indicative of societal collapse

 

[Jebus McAzn]

Coat your rectum with metal and surgically implant blades along the side. The natural peristalsis of your digestive system will force your rectum to act as a blender, thus eliminating the need for battery power and dismissing any concerns about size and practicality - best of all, it's discreet, and you have a built-in defense mechanism if you ever get raped!

 

[ZhengTann]

If you could draw me up a schematic for this contraption it would be very helpful.

Sure, I'd be happy to help, but I'll need some hard data - y'know, what specs and requirements you'd want out of this design, and stuff. To that end I'll need a list of measurements, including, but not limited to:

• Your optimum anus internal diameter.
• Dimensions of each of those nutrient-tubes to be blended.
• The amount (mass/volume) of nutrient solutions you inject per consumption.
• Your budget.
• The average span of your new year resolutions.

Also, some free advice (yes it's free) - try not to attempt any consumption when in company of strangers

 

[shade]

attach the food to the penis of your lover, should definitely find its way to your rectum

 

[Nosferalto]

i have the weirdest boner

 

[shade]

looks like we've found the penis in question then

 

[phoopes]

Hire someone to chew food for you, and then insert into rectum. I figured that you wouldn't want to chew yourself for true anal-only consumption. Maybe a significant other, close friend, or family member would volunteer? Otherwise, it might cost you a bunch to hire a food chewer. Though if you own a business or work somewhere, you might be able to get an intern to do it for you, maybe even insert the chewed up food into your rectum themselves.

Food for thought.

 

[WaterBomb]

If you send me some video of your exact methods, I might be able to come up with a solution for you.

This is not a cheap attempt to just get a look at your butthole

 

[More Cowbell]

If the chewing is a problem (as in, you don't want to chew it with your mouth, and can't find others to help you), then you may want to look into a set of fake teeth that you can fit into your anus. If you train enough, you will be able to use them like they were your actual teeth, with the added bonus that you can also eat via your anus now!

 

[Mailman]

Does your anus have a regular shape, this is important.